Part 3: Why Do We Suffer? Transforming Suffering: When to Endure and When to Let Go

This is the final installment in our three-part series on suffering. In Part 1, we explored the distinction between pain and suffering, recognizing that while pain is inevitable, suffering is shaped by how we engage with it. Part 2 examined the different forms of suffering—whether temporary or lasting, internal or external, physical, psychological, or relational. Now, in Part 3, we turn our attention to something even more critical: how to navigate suffering.

Suffering, no matter its form, demands a response. But not all suffering requires the same response. Some suffering must be endured, teaching us patience, resilience, and wisdom. Other suffering must be released, as holding onto it serves no purpose but to keep us trapped in the past. The challenge is in knowing the difference. How do we recognize when suffering is shaping us and when it is diminishing us? How do we transform suffering into something meaningful rather than allowing it to define us?

Endure or Let Go? The Difference Between Necessary and Unnecessary Suffering

Why do we suffer? Is there a purpose to pain, or is it simply an unfortunate reality of life? Some suffering feels productive as it pushes us, reshapes us, and forces us to grow in ways we never would have otherwise. Other suffering feels stagnant, like a heavy weight we can’t seem to put down. The difference is not always obvious, but learning to distinguish between suffering that refines us and suffering that confines us can change the way we engage with hardship.

Imagine two people going through heartbreak. One allows the pain to guide them toward self-reflection, helping them recognize unhealthy patterns and ultimately leading them to a deeper sense of self-worth. The other, however, stays stuck in the past, replaying memories, questioning their worth, and avoiding the discomfort of healing. The first person’s suffering, while painful, becomes a stepping stone to growth. The second’s suffering becomes a cycle, one that doesn’t lead forward but keeps them anchored in pain.

This distinction is key. Not all suffering is meant to be endured indefinitely. Some suffering teaches; some suffering traps. Understanding which kind we are experiencing can be the first step toward either embracing the pain that serves us or releasing the pain that doesn’t.

Necessary Suffering: The Pain That Leads Somewhere

Some pain is a necessary part of change, healing, and transformation. This is the suffering that accompanies growth, the discomfort of stepping outside of what is familiar, the ache of loss that deepens our capacity for love, the struggle of learning something new and difficult about ourselves. Necessary suffering is the pain of a wound healing, of an old identity shedding, of becoming more than we once were.

This kind of suffering forces us to confront what matters most. It strips away distractions, revealing what we truly value. It shapes our ability to endure, teaching resilience and equipping us with the courage and adaptability to face life’s hardships. A person recovering from grief, for example, may find that their suffering leads them to a deeper appreciation of life and connection. Someone facing the discomfort of personal growth may come to see their struggle as proof of their own expansion. Necessary suffering, while painful, is ultimately a force of transformation. It challenges, reshapes, and pushes us beyond what we once thought possible. Though it may strip us bare, it also clears the way for growth, deeper understanding, and a renewed sense of purpose.

Unnecessary Suffering: The Pain That Keeps Us Stuck

Then there is suffering that serves no purpose other than to keep us trapped. This is the suffering we prolong by resisting reality. The pain of clinging to what has already passed, of replaying old wounds, of fighting against what we cannot change. It is the suffering of avoidance, of staying in situations that harm us, of feeding narratives that reinforce pain rather than resolve it.

Unnecessary suffering often masquerades as something we have no control over, but in reality, it thrives on our unwillingness to let go. It is the resentment we hold onto long after the harm has been done, the self-doubt that turns a single failure into a lifelong belief, the fear that keeps us from stepping into the unknown. Unlike necessary suffering, which refines us, unnecessary suffering confines us, creating cycles of distress that offer no growth—only exhaustion.

The Power to Change Our Relationship with Suffering

What if the suffering you carry is no longer necessary? What if, without realizing it, you’ve been holding on to pain that has already served its purpose? Letting go of suffering is not always about healing, it is about deciding what no longer deserves space in your life.

That decision, however, is rarely easy. Pain, even when it no longer serves us, can become familiar, and familiarity often feels safer than change. The weight of unnecessary suffering may be heavy, but at least it is known. Releasing it requires more than just a willingness to move on. It demands deep reflection, self-awareness, and intentional work. It means asking ourselves hard questions: Is this pain helping me grow, or is it holding me back? Am I engaging with my suffering, or am I simply re-living it?

While we cannot always control what causes our suffering, we do have the power to shape our relationship with it. Necessary suffering asks us to endure, to stretch, to evolve. Unnecessary suffering asks us to recognize when we are holding on to pain that no longer needs to be carried. There is power in that realization. There is freedom in loosening our grip. Learning to tell the difference between the suffering that transforms us and the suffering that confines us is one of the most valuable skills we can cultivate, not just for surviving suffering, but for transcending it.

The Intentional Path Forward

Suffering is inevitable, but how we engage with it changes everything. Some strategies for navigating suffering include:

• Recognizing the Type of Suffering You’re Facing – Is this necessary or unnecessary? Internally or externally generated?
• Reframing Perspective – Changing our interpretation of suffering can shift how we experience it. Pain with purpose feels different than suffering without direction.
• Knowing When to Embrace vs. When to Relieve Suffering – Growth requires discomfort, but not all suffering is productive. Learning to differentiate is key.
• The Role of Meaning & Purpose – Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, famously argued that meaning transforms suffering. When we attach purpose to our struggles, they become bearable, maybe even valuable.

References

Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s search for meaning. Simon & Schuster.